Wondering What’s Age-Appropriate in Midlife?
Do you ever find yourself thinking that you’re too old to do something that’s lovingly calling you? Do you sometimes tell yourself that you can’t wear a certain outfit, or participate in a particular activity because you might be viewed as “clinging to your youth”?
If you’re a woman over 40, then the chances are that you’ve had at least a fleeting thought about what’s now considered age-appropriate.
Our fear of making an age-related faux pas isn’t accidental. It’s a side effect of a culture of anti-aging in which youth is celebrated and aging is condemned.
When the New York Times published a photo of Sarah Jessica Parker alongside her husband, Matthew Broderick, in 2021, the comments section on their Instagram page was flooded with criticism.
"SJP... looking old! Just saying!"
"Damn, she aged terribly."
"God, Sarah Jessica Parker did not age well and now just looks like an old horse."
"SJP the years have not been kind to you."
Seemingly Sarah Jessica is expected to look exactly as she did when she first began playing the role of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City in 1998. Except that she was 33 then, and now she’s approaching her late fifties. Almost a quarter of a century has passed - are we really suggesting that her face and body remain the same? And why is her appearance more conversation worthy than her acting?
[It’s worth noting that there were no comments on Matthew Broderick’s appearance.]
On the flip side, women who opt for cosmetic procedures to hide or reverse the effects of aging don’t tend to fare any better. They’re often jeered at for attempting to stay youthful. “Give it up, Grandma” has been a headline written about Madonna more than once.
So how does that trickle down to the rest of us?
It keeps us playing safe and small, desperately trying to fit in to a culture that is always ready to criticize us. We fear aging visibly, but we also fear being ridiculed for trying to prevent the process.
The kicker is, we can’t win either way. Yet we expend an extortionate amount of energy trying.
Ultimately, this stops us from living in the moment because we’re too busy grieving our youth or feeling increasingly apprehensive about getting older. We rarely get to enjoy now.
But the truth is that we are blooming. We have always been blooming. And by spending our days worrying about how we’re perceived by the rest of the world for the crime of… being alive, is to miss out on our own glorious unfurling.
We deserve better than that.
When I think of the most attractive women I know, the ones who immediately spring to mind are those who are marching to the beat of their own drum. They’re not necessarily stereotypically beautiful and they’re very rarely famous. But their determination to be who they are and to live their lives according to their values and their beliefs is such an incredibly alluring mix.
These are the women who inspire me and intrigue me. The women who remind me to keep going. To keep growing. To look beyond the shallow surface and delight in diving into the true and real depths of life.
These women are from different backgrounds, different parts of the globe, with different careers, or families, or interests. But one thing they have in common is that they are not (are not!) spending their days comparing their skin, body, weight or worth to anyone else's. They're living. Blooming. Becoming.
What might happen if you stopped worrying what the world thinks of your choices? What if you wore the clothes that bring you joy? What if you began the hobby you've always wanted to try? What if you chose the adventure you're longing to experience?
And what if there were no conditions attached or comparisons made? How might it feel? How might you feel?
Ten years from now you're going to look back and see the woman you are today. Do you really want her to believe that she's too old to live a life that brings her joy? Do you really want her to hide her spark away from the world in case she's judged, or upsets the delicate status quo?
Or do you want to tell her she's about to embark on her best chapter yet and you're cheering her on all the way. That she'll laugh one day to think that she even considered putting her desires to the side just so she could age "gracefully". That no amount of retinol could ever be a substitute for the rush of elation that comes from LIVING a life and not just going through the polite motions.
You've got this. You really do. And I'm cheering you on already.
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