The Girl With No Confidence (aka A Misunderstood Introvert)
As a child, my school reports all said that I lacked confidence. I’d hear it remarked upon at parent evenings, my mother nodding along as I was critiqued in front of her.
I rarely had confidence issues when I was in a small circle of people I felt at ease with, but I’d often struggle in bigger groups, tripping over my words and blushing when I had to speak in front of everyone.
I spent a lot of time inside my head, daydreaming as I stared out of windows. But despite my outward shyness, the world within my imagination felt rich and vibrant. I was content spending time alone and I loved nothing more than to read books that whisked me away to other places.
As I grew older and started expanding my horizons, my confidence started to grow, somewhat haphazardly, alongside me. I began to feel more comfortable in social situations. But even though I wasn’t quite the shy child any longer, I always felt a sense of being other.
It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I got my first true insight into my personality type and preferences, beyond the label of “shy.”
I was working as a PA to the Deputy Chairman of a property management company in England. It was around the time that Myers Briggs Type Indicator testing was growing in popularity and it was decided that our company would implement the personality testing for all our employees.
The idea was that by creating more awareness of individual personality types, we’d be able to reduce conflict within the company and promote a more harmonious working environment.
I’d never done anything like this personality test before. I remember the assessor reassuring me that there were no right or wrong answers and that it was best to respond to each question without too much deliberation.
After I’d completed the testing in our company boardroom, the assessor went through my results with me. I was INFJ. The assessor explained that this meant that I favored spending time alone (Introverted), I typically focused on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), I made decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and preferred to plan and be organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging).
I found the summary of my preferences to be startling accurate and it was the first time in my life that I’d truly felt seen in that way.
Unfortunately, my boss, the Deputy Chairman, wasn’t so enamored with my results. Upstairs in his office, I handed the summary report to him and his first words were “This isn’t right”.
Immediately I felt as though I’d done something wrong. This feeling only intensified further when my boss marched me back down to the boardroom and told the Myers Briggs assessor that my results were skewed and that I wasn’t an introvert. “If the Operations Managers see this, they’ll eat her alive” he said.
And there it was. An updated version of the old school reports that criticized my lack of confidence. Except this time it was an assessment that labeled me as an introvert, and clearly that was a problem.
The Myers Briggs assessor did his best to explain to my unhappy boss that introversion didn’t translate to having a weak character. But the damage was already done. All I could focus on was that, in the eyes of my manager, I didn’t have the personality type that was set up for success. It felt impossible not to view myself through the same lens.
Instead of meeting myself where I was, with kindness, compassion and a deeper awareness of how to honor my needs, I simply buried my truth even further.
I adopted a more extrovert persona at work and I projected a confidence that I didn’t truly possess. This was sometimes useful in certain situations, but mostly the act left me feeling disconnected from myself as well as depleted. It was draining to play a part that didn’t feel like the real me.
I had a constant self-critical dialogue running in my head. Sometimes my insecurities presented themselves as anger because I had no clue how to nurture my needs or replenish my reserves. I hid behind alcohol. I fabricated a life that I thought a confident, extrovert, outgoing person would lead. I convinced myself that if I just stuck to the script, I’d become that person.
Over the years, my career path saw me work at a number of different companies. But the consistent theme I’d see play out over and over again was that the people who were accepted, rewarded, envied even, were those who were visibly extrovert.
When the world shows us on repeat what success is supposed to look like, we immediately measure ourselves against that ideal. It rarely occurs to us that there might be another version of success. Many different versions, in fact. And none of them involve abandoning ourselves to fit the mold of someone else’s imagination.
It would be another ten years before I started to feel more at ease with being an introvert. Longer still before I was able to take the label I’d always thought of as a problem and turn it into an attribute that felt positive and powerful.
After leaving England in 2014 to move to New York to be with my husband, I made the decision to begin my own business. I didn’t want to work at yet another company where I felt as though I couldn’t be myself. I was 40 years old and I was beginning again.
As an already successful women’s empowerment writer, I continued to share about my life and my experiences. I noticed that the more I told the truth about my interior world, the more people resonated with my words.
I was working alone but I was connecting with women from all over the world. And it felt wonderful.
I started to pay attention to the people who inspired me, other writers and creatives that I looked up to. I noticed that a number of them were also introvert. Happily introvert. They were creating amazing work and making a difference in the world. So, why couldn’t I claim that same success? Why couldn’t I stand up and be counted, too?
For the first time, I began to view being an introvert not just as something I needed to accept about myself, but something I could celebrate about myself.
I also started to understand that what had been labeled a “lack of confidence” in my younger years was, in large part, my natural preferences as an introvert that had simply been misunderstood.
By embracing the characteristics that made up my introvert nature, a huge weight began to lift. I didn’t need to hide anymore. I didn’t need to split myself into different segments and decide which ones were worthy of being seen. I could bring my whole self along for the journey. I could be successful AS myself.
Instead of beating myself up about my perceived flaws, I started to recognize how many strengths being an introvert had gifted me with.
I am compassionate and sensitive with an abundance of empathy. I am futuristic with a deep desire to help create a more beautiful world. I am highly intuitive and perceptive, fiercely loyal and authentic. I am creative and imaginative and motivated towards taking positive action.
I’m also in good company. Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Bronte, Jane Goodall and Brené Brown are just a few of the other INFJs the world has known.
And maybe, just maybe, if I’d been given an opportunity as a child or a young adult to recognize that being an introvert wasn’t a problem that I needed to fix, I’d have been able to celebrate myself sooner.
But we’re never too old and it really is never too late. After years of feeling as though I would never be able to show up as myself and still be successful, it’s been a joyful revelation to realize that the very opposite has proven to be true.
Whether you identify as introvert, extrovert, ambivert, or something entirely unique to you, I urge you to lovingly embrace the characteristics that make you who you are. The world doesn't need any more replicas. We need your light, your authenticity, your beautiful and original spark.
Know this: There is nobody else quite like you. Please, let us see you shine in your own inimitable way. I promise you that the quiet confidence that blossoms from being in integrity with who you are will reap far greater rewards than forcing yourself to fit in ever could.
Go now and lead. Go now and thrive. Go now and live in such a way that the world has no choice but to celebrate the incredible wonder of you.
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