Visibly Aging in Midlife: Can We Embrace It?
A few nights ago I sat on my bed in NYC cheering as I watched Grey is the New Black, a recent broadcast from the makers of 60 Minutes Australia.
The episode focused on author and former supermodel Paulina Porizkova, along with director and former actor Justine Bateman. Both are 57, and both are using their platforms to challenge perceptions of beauty and the value of women beyond our appearance.
Having met Paulina in person at an event for her latest book No Filter: The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful I can attest firsthand as to how stunning she is.
But that much I expected. After all, there’s a reason that Estée Lauder offered her an $8 million contract back in 1988.
What I wasn’t quite prepared for was her radiance. She emanates an energy and warmth you want to bask in. When she speaks to you, she’s laser focused on the conversation. She pays attention. And when she tells you it’s a true pleasure to meet you, somehow you believe her.
Other than non-invasive treatments, Paulina hasn’t had any cosmetic work done. She believes we get more beautiful with age. In an Instagram post shared in 2022 she wrote “We have earned our beauty, we understand what it is, and we can see it so much better. There is no such thing as ugly and old. Only shortsighted and ignorant."
But isn’t it easier for someone who’s genetically blessed to declare she’s not at war with her wrinkles? What about those of us who have never been close to supermodel status?
Well, according to Justine Bateman we should “forget about our face” and the idea that we’re missing out on opportunities just because we have a bunch of wrinkles.
Justine, whose book Face: One Square Foot of Skin explores how society reacts to aging and how challenging it can be for women to get older, went to see a plastic surgeon as part of her research and was told she could have “the works”.
"But then I would erase all my authority” she said. “And I like feeling that I'm a different person now than when I was 20. I like looking in the mirror and seeing that evidence.”
It’s that very evidence that filled me with horror a few years ago when I first saw the sagging skin under my chin reflected back to me in my vanity mirror.
I was appalled at how old I thought I looked and immediately made a mental note to avoid showing that angle when I was with other people. I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone else might see how slack my skin was.
Around the same time I started to notice that the tops of my thighs had developed a crepe-like texture along with my stomach, breasts and arms. I was 45, but when I looked at myself I was seeing my grandmother’s skin.
It felt like it had happened overnight. I’d gone from feeling fairly confident about being in my mid-forties to suddenly having an unwelcome flash of insight that my body and face were changing in a way I wasn’t prepared for. It was a definitive moment. And I didn’t like it one bit.
But are we ever truly ready to see signs of ourselves visibly aging?
Not if we’re relying on the beauty industry to build up our self-worth. As a global market projected to value at 758.4 billion U.S. dollars by 2025, they’re far too invested in exploiting our insecurities. Within that market, anti-aging products continue to be a money spinner. In 2022 the global anti-wrinkle products sector was valued at USD 10.96 billion. It shows no signs of slowing down.
The word “anti” means “opposed to or against”. There are currently 14.7 million posts on Instagram using the anti-aging hashtag. We’re surrounded by slogans online and offline that promise to help us fix our faces and minimize the dreaded signs of actually appearing our age.
So how do we embrace aging when the world around us seems hellbent on having us do the very opposite? Can we follow in the footsteps of Paulina and Justine and determine that we’re going to have an empowered aging experience instead? One where we get to own our years rather than try to minimize them?
My answer is yes. But it’s not without its challenges.
For every inspiring post I see on social media of a woman in midlife showing up in her real truth and beauty, there’s a dozen more photos of women using filters to smooth their skin. Technology has made it easier than ever for us to perfect ourselves. We can give ourselves a facelift from the comfort of our sofa simply by swiping through an array of options on an app.
It’s not just women in their 40s and 50s who want to appear younger. It’s commonplace for twenty and thirty-somethings to Facetune themselves. This desire to achieve flawlessness spills over into real life, too. Botox and fillers are still very much having a moment. Women are trying to prevent the aging process before it’s barely started.
However, it’s also true that the conversations we’re now having about aging are taking place in a much more public forum. From menopause to ageism, we’re openly discussing the issues that impact us. Hushed conversations behind closed doors are becoming a thing of the past. There’s more than a hint of promise about what this means for the future.
It’s worth keeping in mind that there’s always a cultural lag when it comes to shifting societal views. It can take decades of forward thinking to filter throughout the masses. Change takes time.
My own view on my changing body is a far cry from the mini-meltdown I had in front of the vanity mirror four years ago. Turns out it really was a defining moment. After my initial horror had subsided, I started to recognize that my reaction was completely fueled by societal messaging. Nothing about my worth had changed, simply my perception of my worth based on a specific angle.
That experience was a turning point. I began to understand the ridiculousness of glorifying youth, as well as the futility of chasing a younger version of myself.
Realizing that investing time and money into trying to turn back the clock would be a relentless, not to mention joyless, pursuit, I decided to do what I thought I never could. Instead of hiding my flaws, I opted to highlight them instead. I took photos of the very imperfections I was supposed to be ashamed of and I shared them on Instagram. The sheer relief of letting myself be seen as I truly am far outweighed any embarrassment I momentarily felt.
And although I still have moments when I’m caught off guard by my reflection, I can honestly say that at 48, I’ve never felt more empowered. I have more to offer and less to prove. It’s an exhilarating time.
Do we all have to share photos of our so-called flaws on the internet in order to step into our power? No, not unless it feels good for you, in which case I fully encourage it.
But we can each get curious about why we think we’re so flawed in the first place. Where is that message really stemming from? Who benefits from our shame at aging? And how might we live differently if we lifted the weight of unrealistic expectation from our shoulders.
So yes, I believe that women are embracing aging. Our progress might be messy and imperfect, and we certainly have our work cut out for us. But hasn’t that always been true? And when has it ever stopped us from rising up in strength and resilience and moving mountains in a world that would much prefer us to stay meek.
As Paulina so beautifully says, “I’ve never been more powerful than I am right now. I’m deeper, I’m wiser, I’m more empathetic, I’m smarter. I’m overall better. I’m not content to be in that side pasture forlornly walking about and waiting to die. Hell no!”
If you’re looking for a way to reimagine this chapter of your life, check out my popular audio course, Aging Courageously: A Guide to Goal Setting & Purposeful Living. Whether it's reigniting a long-lost passion, embarking on a new career path, or delving into a creative pursuit, this series will help you find the courage to center your own wants and desires and create a life of purpose and fulfillment.