Someone I used to be friends with on Facebook once wrote a post saying that if women didn’t get automatically aroused when their partner initiated sex then there was, without question, a problem within their relationship.

I remember rolling my eyes and wondering if I might once have said something similar when I was in my early twenties. When I had more arrogance and less life experience. When my vagina was more immediately responsive. Or, responsive at all.

Thankfully, as a child of the seventies and eighties, I was able to do most of my learning away from the glare of social media and my (many) mistakes are confined to memory rather than publicly documented for the entire world to see.

The woman who wrote the post was steadfast in her opinion that anything less than instant arousal signified a relationship red flag. Her expertise was based on an intimacy course she’d recently become accredited in. She was also six months into a new relationship.

I think this was around the time I deleted my personal profile on Facebook, but I digress.

I hadn’t thought of this post in years, but I was reminded of it again recently when I listened to an episode of Ageism is Never in Style podcast with founder Jacynth Bassett, and educator and multi-platform broadcaster, Caryn Franklin MBE.

Jacynth posed the question whether, within media, advertising executives should be the age of the demographic they’re trying to pitch to, and whether this would make them more likely to be in touch with, and therefore able to relate to, their target audience.

I highly recommend tuning in to the episode as it is an excellent conversation.

Jacynth’s question, and Caryn’s subsequent response, got me thinking about how I feel about being marketed to by twenty or thirty somethings who, through no fault of their own, haven’t yet had the life experiences they’re writing brand copy for.

For example, do I want to be sold vaginal lubricant by someone who hasn’t ever experienced vaginal dryness? And, does it actually matter if the brand’s message is empathetic and their product is effective?

How often are we immediately discrediting the input of others due to their age and our pre-conceived beliefs about their knowledge and awareness.

I don’t have any friends who are very much younger than me. My circle is pretty small and there are only a few friends I speak to regularly on the phone. A couple of them are a few years younger, and a couple are a few years older. One is the same age. But we’re all generally having similar experiences.

For example, I can (and do!) talk about my perimenopausal symptoms and none of my friends are surprised by the topic. There’s an ease to the conversation in the way that there always is when somebody instantly gets it. There’s rarely a need to bring anyone up to speed or dive into the details too much because there’s already a shared understanding of the issues we face at this stage of our lives. There’s no awkwardness. I’m not sure I’d be able to have the same conversations with someone 20 years younger. It likely wouldn’t be the same experience.

Yet, if we confine our conversations only to those in our age bracket, aren’t we further fueling ageism by assuming that people outside of our generation aren’t able to empathize with our experiences, or potentially offer us any valuable insights of their own.

And how can we expect younger people to have a true view of aging if we never invite them into the conversation? Is it any wonder so many people fear getting old when the only information they’re being fed is via clickbait media that typically doesn’t show aging in a flattering light, if they show it at all.

I’m becoming increasingly aware of the need for intergenerational conversations and communities.

Intergenerational communities are more likely to foster understanding and respect between generations, breaking down barriers and creating a sense of unity and belonging. This is a huge help when it comes to combating ageism and promoting inclusivity. We’re less likely to make assumptions about other age groups if we’re actively engaged in building relationships with people of different ages.

I often see older people dismissing the “TikTok generation” and criticizing younger people for their limited attention spans. And we’ve all seen “Ok, Boomer” as a trite response in comments sections when older people are sharing their point of view. Most of us are guilty of discriminating against other age groups, at least a little bit.

As I was doing research for this piece, I came across a number of other articles that mentioned the merits of intergenerational communities. But almost all of them were perpetuating ageist stereotypes.

For example, most of these articles highlighted that younger people have a tendency to be tech-savvy and innovative and are therefore able to inject a fresh perspective into a community. Older people were portrayed as being wise and able to offer valuable insights in the form of life-lessons. While these statements can certainly be true, it’s important to remember that many older people are very comfortable using tech and aren’t lacking in innovative ideas, nor are young people necessarily devoid of wisdom.

We all have the ability to offer value to our communities, at any and every age. The key piece in creating meaningful relationships across generations is to ensure we’re leading with empathy, and that we’re actively listening.

The Facebook friend who was adamant that she had indisputable knowledge about other people’s bodies and intimate experiences was doing neither of those things. She was taking her personal experience and claiming authority over other that of other people’s. And then she struggled to understand why not everyone was receptive to what she was sharing.

Our lived experience offers us an opportunity to connect with others, but that opportunity evaporates if we’re not open to acknowledging the many intersections that come into play for each person.

Much as our current culture is dominated by generational stereotypes, I’ve also witnessed many inspiring interactions across the ages. Case in point, Jacynth Bassett is 31 and her anti-ageism work has sparked conversations amongst young college students as well as those in midlife and beyond. So it’s simply not true that we have to be in the same generation as someone else in order to effectively communicate with them, or impact their life in a meaningful way.

As life expectancy continues to rise, so too does the opportunity to build communities that are inclusive of all ages and open to each generation’s ability to contribute from their unique vantage point. This is how we create a new culture, one that recognizes and respects the value of everybody at every age.

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