We hear a lot about midlife blues and we often hear the phrase “midlife crisis”. But what about midlife joy? When was the last time you saw those words together?

As we age, we can sometimes feel as though joy becomes less accessible to us. Society not-so-subtly tells us that we’re adults now and should therefore be more concerned with the serious business of taking care of All The Important Things.

Often, without even realizing it, we relegate joy to the very bottom of our list. It becomes a luxury rather than a necessity. It certainly isn’t considered a priority.

This is especially true of women in midlife who are routinely juggling multiple roles. Between partners, parents, kids, jobs and homes, we’ve definitely got enough to keep us more than busy. Joyful pursuits might seem like a nice idea, but, let’s face it, who has time?

And yet, that restless feeling that can often rear its head during our middle years indicates that we’re yearning for something more. We want to connect to something more beautiful and meaningful than simply checking off a series of daily tasks that blur into one big and never ending To Do List.

So what’s stopping us from centering our own joy? Why are we struggling to create space for what feels good?

Let’s take a look at the story beneath the story.

As children, many of us were taught to view being a Good Girl as the ultimate goal. Good Girls followed all the rules. They didn’t cause a fuss. They were obedient and well-behaved and made their parents proud.

Good Girls were raised to be compliant and praised for being polite. But Good Girls were also conditioned, in explicit and subtle ways, to suppress their own needs, wants and desires.

For a Good Girl, the pursuit of joy itself wasn’t something that was encouraged. If anything, it was slightly scorned. The idea that we might be allowed to tap into our own pleasure and center our desires was often met with an air of disapproval.

After all, joy was considered to be a frivolous thing, and Good Girls were not permitted to waste time on frivolity.

Some of us have spent our whole lives feeling disconnected from our joy because we weren’t ever shown how to access it. Over the years we simply switched the role of Good Girl to Good Employee, Good Citizen, Good Wife, or Good Mother, still subconsciously seeking approval at every turn.

Is it any surprise that when we reach our 40s or 50s we can start to feel a sense of dissatisfaction?

We’ve been caught up in people-pleasing behaviors for so long that the idea of seeking joy for ourselves feels selfish.

I can’t say I was ever really in the Good Girl category. But even on the periphery, I still felt the pressure to pursue goals that weren’t really mine. From the college I (briefly) attended, to the jobs I applied for, to the first man I married, I was hyper aware of what was expected of me and which behaviors would be met with nods of approval.

Joy was not something I specifically sought out for myself. In fact, I was so disconnected from what brought me joy that when I was once asked by someone during a date what I most enjoyed doing, I struggled to come up with a truthful reply. It wasn’t so much that I’d lost my joy, more that I’d never properly discovered it.

My life now is wildly different. I am connected to joy in a way that feels very intentional. I work hard but I create space for what brings me pleasure. I even have a daily alert on my phone that asks “What brought me joy today?” The alert goes off at 5pm, and on the rare occasion I can’t think of anything, it’s not too late in the day to find something joyful.

Your inner Good Girl might tell you to be content with the crumbs of joy that happen to fall your way. She’ll have you believe that it’s inappropriate to immerse yourself in joy when there’s so much suffering in the world. She’ll say you have no right to bask in moments of happiness when the planet is crying out for compassion.

She’s wrong.

Denying ourselves the experience of connecting to our joy simply serves to add to the world’s suffering. It’s not noble to turn away from the things that bring us pleasure for the sake of some kind of misguided display of empathy.

You don’t have to feel guilty about feeling good. You don’t have to suffer to prove that you’re compassionate. Investing in your joy does not prevent you from empathizing with others.

We have the capacity to feel a full range of emotions, yet we are so afraid of being judged for our joy. God forbid we should be labeled as uncaring (a Good Girl rule we live in fear of breaking).

Here are a few tips to help you connect with what brings you pleasure so you can begin to shed the shame about centering joy in your life.

Journal your way to joy

Journaling can be hugely helpful in creating clarity as to what we’re most longing for in our lives, without the intensity of putting ourselves under a microscope. A pen, a few blank pages and 10 minutes are all you need to get started. Ask yourself:

• What’s my relationship with joy, and how has it been shaped?

• What’s a hobby or pastime I’ve always been curious about but haven’t ever explored?

• What am I doing when I feel most inspired?
  

Ask these questions with gentleness and curiosity and allow your thoughts and feelings to flow as they need to. There are no right or wrong answers, you’re simply getting closer to what you might like to introduce into your life in order to feel more deeply fulfilled.

Keep it simple

If you like the idea of inviting more joy into your life but you’re feeling stressed about having to create more time and space for anything else, remember to keep it simple.

Connecting with joy isn’t about spending tons more money or finding a block of uninterrupted hours each day. It’s really about being more intentional with what’s already available to you and allowing yourself to fully appreciate an experience without distraction.

Can you listen to a piece of music you love without scrolling on your phone while it’s playing? Can you slow down and savor the food you’re eating? Can you take some time away from the screen to catch the sunset? Being present to the things that bring you joy will allow you to enhance your experience even more and you’ll reap the benefits.

Ditch your inner Good Girl

It’s time to cut ties with your inner Good Girl. Her beliefs about what makes you a worthy person are stripping you of the joy you deserve to live with. You can’t fully connect to what brings you pleasure if you have a critic commenting on your every move.

Remember, you don’t have to hate on your inner Good Girl. She did what she thought she had to do to keep you safe (liked, accepted, approved of). You can let her go without criticizing her. You can even write her a letter or find a symbolic way to say goodbye.

Releasing your inner Good Girl allows you to meet your authentic Real Woman, and she’s definitely worth getting to know.

If you’d like more support on your midlife journey, take a look at my audio course Aging Courageously: A Guide to Goal Setting and Purposeful Living. You’ll reframe your fears about aging and feel inspired to approach midlife and beyond with renewed intention and optimism.